i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
