I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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