Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
