why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
