Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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