What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
