I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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