I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
