I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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