You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
