I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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