I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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