Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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