He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
