He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I want to be your penis for a week.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
