when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
