Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
