So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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