I didn't shave. On purpose
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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