Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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