at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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