Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
