I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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