No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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