Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
