i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
