Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
