Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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