You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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