I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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