Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
