So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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