let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
