you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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