maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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