so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
