I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
