what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
