Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
