Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He shit in the fireplace
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
