Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
