ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
