There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
