Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I AM VODKA MAN
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
