I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I forgot wine drunk hurts
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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