you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
