I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
