I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
