For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
