And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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