Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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