Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize