when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
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