GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
