as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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