im about as happy as oj after his trial
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When are your genitals available?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
