Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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