Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
