Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
