I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
