My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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