I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
