Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
