Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
